


Feels Like Ruin Is Wooing Me

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat)



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Everybody Lives, Feelings, Fili is protective, Flashbacks, Fíli stops Kíli from doing something dumb, Kíli is scared, M/M, Pre-Durincest, Prompt Fill, Truth Revealed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-10-19
Packaged: 2018-08-23 09:11:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8322223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe
Summary: How could Mahal have done this to him? How could he have made Kili’s One be his own brother?  Dwarves only loved once and Kili’s heart and soul were irrevocably tied to the one dwarf he could never have.
Fili knew, now, and he would lose his brother and his best friend.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [random_chick](https://archiveofourown.org/users/random_chick/gifts).



> For the prompt: _a truth revealed_

When Kili fled from the training yard, he kept running until he got to his rooms. He moved into his bedroom area and paused long enough to shut the bedroom door behind him. Before he could make it to the comfort of his bed, his legs collapsed out from under him and he crashed to the floor.

His life was over. There would be no coming back from this. Years of keeping his deepest feelings a buried secret and it had been revealed in a moment of unguarded weakness.

Fili knew, now, and he would lose his brother and his best friend.

Kili tangled his hands in his hair and yanked before he let the back of his head hit the wall. The brief flash of pain did nothing to help and he heard a sob echo around him.

How could Mahal have done this to him? How could he have made Kili’s One be his own brother? Dwarves only loved once and Kili’s heart and soul were irrevocably tied to the one dwarf he could never have.

He hit his head on the wall again and then a third time. He briefly wondered if he could hit his head hard enough like this to kill him. Almost instantly, though, he pushed that thought away from his mind. He would not be heartless enough to die somewhere that Fili would discover his body. His brother might hate him now, but Kili loved him too much to put him through that.

No. Kili would take his gear and find another place to allow himself to die. If he found the right location, then his family would never have to deal with the aftermath. They could say farewell to his life with an empty coffin in the tomb in the mountain -- if they would even want to do that after Fili told them what he had done.

But where? Where could he go?

He could always travel to the Shire. He could at least tell Bilbo what happened and then give at least one person he cared about a proper goodbye. Only…no. Bilbo would never let him leave to seek his death as an end to his pain. He would insist that Kili stay with him and Kili wouldn’t be able to tell their gentle hobbit no. Then, once he was sure Kili was calmer and was going to stay, Bilbo would do what he thought was the honorable thing and send word to his family.

His family who could never want him around again after they found out that he fell in love with his own brother. His family who would still come when sent for because they would never refuse Bilbo anything. It would make things so much worse when Kili had to pretend that everything was okay with them and then have to leave them after they were away from Bilbo.

No. He could not go to the Shire.

Might he then go to Rivendell? He had liked it there and heard that the human rangers often passed through there. Perhaps he could join up with the rangers. They often fought with goblins, wargs and orcs. It would be easy for a single dwarf to slip away with them and disappear. Falling in battle with fell creatures would be an honorable death and no one would ever need to know that he had actually sought his own ending due to the pain in his soul.

Yet.

Yet, Elrond might not be willing to keep his whereabouts a secret from his uncle and his brother. He wasn’t a bad sort, but he did seem to care about others -- and he did have his own family. Could Kili be daring enough to request the kind elf lord to not tell anyone that he had seen him? Did he even have the right to ask for such a thing?

Not that it would matter if he did. Gandalf was good friends with Elrond and seemed to spend a lot of time in Rivendell. As soon as he were to find out that Kili had been there and where he had gone he would send immediately to Thorin. He would see it as his duty to help Thorin find his missing nephew.

All of these caring people would make it almost impossible for Kili to end his existence by falling in honorable combat with enemies of Middle Earth.

Unless.

Unless he returned to Mirkwood to face the spiders again. They were evil and the enemies of all that was good. He had experience with that. He would be on his own there this time and it would be highly unlikely that the wood elves would get to him to assist him in time. It wasn’t the end he would have chosen if he had any other options, but it was still falling in combat of some kind. There was still honor in that end.

This time, Kili didn’t bother to wipe away the tears that escaped down his cheeks as he closed his eyes. This was not how he had ever imagined things would end for him. Then again, he had never imagined that he would lose the most important person in his life by letting slip a secret he had managed to keep buried all of his adult life.

Overcome by sadness and pain, Kili slammed his head back against the wall two more times. The sharp ache spreading through his head and neck was no less than he deserved for ruining everything. Twenty years or more of being strong enough to hide the truth about himself undone by one moment of thoughtless reaction.

Dizzy now, Kili slowly climbed to his feet and made his way to the chest at the end of his bed. He opened the chest, staring down blankly before pulling out an empty pack. Shutting the chest, he set the pack upon the lid of the chest and then turned to his closet. He stared into it for what seemed like a long time, trying to focus his gaze. He didn’t know what to pack since survival wasn’t really in his plans.

Shaking his head, he turned too quickly, hitting the side of his temple on the sharp latch of the closet. This time he cursed out loud as he felt the blood mixing with his tears.

“I’m going to end up killing myself by accident before I even leave the damn mountain,” he muttered as he reached for a cloth to place against his face to staunch the flow of blood. He was beginning to think that he should just leave and not bother to even pack.

“And where do you think that you are going, Kili?”

Kili froze and then turned, seeing Fili leaning against the door that connected their bedrooms. The door that he had forgotten existed while he was busy falling apart.

“Fili.” He swallowed, pressing the cloth tighter against his the bleeding wound at his temple and trying to stall for time. He didn’t bother trying to hide the blood or the tears. He could tell from his brother’s expression right now that trying to dismiss or hide those two things would be a mistake. “How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough.” There was something in Fili’s voice that Kili couldn’t identify and it caused even more panic within him. “Now answer me. Where do you think that you are going, Kili?”

“Do not worry, Fili,” Kili said softly as he turned away to face his bed again. “I am going somewhere that you will never have to see me again. Return to your room, brother, and I will make sure that I am gone before you know it.”

“I hear you saying a lot of words, brother, but as of yet, they contain no answers.” Fili’s voice was almost commanding and it was causing an interesting reaction within Kili -- a reaction he was desperately trying to hide. “I have asked you a question, Kili. Do not make me ask it again.”

Kili ducked his head in defeat, not turning around to look at his golden brother. He couldn’t tell Fili the truth about his destination because he risked there still being enough care within his brother that he would try to stop him. He had to come up with something else.

“Kili…” There was warning weighing very heavily in his voice.

“Bree!” Kili burst out in desperation. “Or Gondor or Edoras or one of the other kingdoms or cities of men! I can always find work to support me in one of those places as I need it.”

It was true. The cities of men always enjoyed items of Dwarven craftsmanship. If Kili had been planning on starting a new life somewhere, then any of those places would have been very good choices for him.

But he wasn’t looking for a new start. He was looking for a way to make all of the pain end.

“Why?”

Kili shook his head. “Because I cannot stay where I am not wanted, Fili. It was hard enough when you didn’t know what I was hiding within me for the last twenty years, but at least you were my brother and you loved me. I could be near you and have you as my best friend and I could pretend that it was enough. Now, however, everything I am and everything I feel has been laid bare and because of this, you are repulsed by me. I have lost my sun and I will not survive here.”

For the longest time, Kili heard only silence from behind him and then the unmistakable sound of the lock on the connecting door being thrown. Kili took in a sobbing breath, feeling his shoulders fold inward as he brought his hands up to cover his face.

Fili was so upset with him that not only did he refuse to say goodbye, but he went so far as to lock his door against him.

Kili was so wrapped up in his misery that he didn’t register the presence at his back until he was turned around and his hands were pulled away from his face.

He found himself staring at a blurry image of his brother as he stood there and looked him over carefully. Not sure he was seeing things as they really were, Kili blinked a few times to clear his vision. When he felt Fili’s hands encircle his wrists firmly, he closed his eyes again. He didn’t know what condemnation he was about to receive, but he no longer had the strength to fight whatever happened. Mahal knew that he likely deserved whatever punishment Fili decided to dish out to him for his thoughts. He would accept anything that Fili did to him. It was the least that he could do.

“Kili,” Fili whispered, kissing away the tears on his cheeks. “My Kili…”

Kili could feel himself start to shake. “Don’t mock me, brother, please. I can handle anything but that. Strike me down if it would make you feel better, but do not mock me.”

“I would not mock you, Kili,” Fili said gently, running his fingers along his cheeks, before tugging on his hair so that he could press their foreheads together. “I would never lay a hand on you with the intent to harm you, either. Never, my Kee.”

“Then what are you doing?”

“Kili, I am not angry at you nor am I repulsed by you or how you feel. I was surprised that you felt that way about me, but I was not repulsed.”

A violent shudder wracked Kili’s frame. He didn’t know what was happening or what Fili was going to do. “I tried, Fee,” he whispered. “I tried so very hard.”

“What did you try, Kili?” Fili’s voice was soft as he moved his hands slowly through Kili’s hair, trying his best to soothe his brother’s shaking.

Kili swallowed, ducking his head again and turning his face away from Fili’s as much as he could. It wasn’t much of a move considering that Fili was still holding onto him through his hair. He wasn’t sure what he should even say right now. He was confused and heartsick and still partially convinced that this was some kind of cruel hallucination brought on by the burning desire to at least say goodbye to his brother.

“Talk to me, Kili,” Fili ordered him softly. “Tell me what you tried to do.”

Kili sighed, all of the fight draining from him. He was so tired and what did it matter, anyway? Fili already knew his deepest, darkest secret, so there was no point in lying to him now. Besides, he would be leaving soon, and then it really didn’t matter what he told Fili. He would be gone and Fili would forget and go on to live his life without the shadow of his messed up little brother.

And Kili… Kili would be done. He would be nothing more than a memory, if that.

“I tried to keep it a secret,” he finally said in a sad voice. “I tried so hard to keep my feelings buried and not let them out to bother you or anyone else. I know I’m wrong and something is darkened within me, but for so long I managed to keep it quiet that my love for you was more than a brother should have. For so long I managed to pretend that everything was normal.”

“How long, Kili?”

“How long?” Kili wasn’t sure what Fili was asking.

“How long have you had this feelings?”

Oh. He had to ask him that question, didn’t he?

“It’s not important.”

“I want to know, brother.”

“For a very long time,” he admitted. “When it first started, I thought it was just part of a child’s attachment to his best friend… the one who had been with him all of this life. I figured that the feelings would fade away when I reached my majority and everything would change because I was older and there would be others that my feelings would turn to.”

“But they never did.”

“They never did.” Kili agreed, his voice barely a whisper as he tried to look away, but Fili still had his hands firmly in his hair. So, instead, he lowered his eyes to stare at the floor between his feet. “For twenty years or more, I’ve been able to hide them and pretend that they didn’t exist. I didn’t want my golden brother, my best friend, to know that there was something so wrong with me.”

“Today. What happened today when you kissed me in the training yard?”

Kili let out a soft whimper of pain. “I… I didn’t see…”

“You didn’t see what, Kili? Something happened before you grabbed me out there.”

“It wasn’t the training yard. It was the… it was Ravenhill, Fili. I was back on the tower and the cliffs and you had just fallen from the cliff. I tried to jump up to meet you and you were hurt so badly I thought you were dying and I was losing you. I thought if I breathed for you, you would come back.” Kili shuddered. “You were dying and I had to tell you how much you meant to me and that I would follow you to Mahal’s Halls so you weren’t alone because we’ve always been together since I was born.”

He was shaking again as he remembered the battle and how real the earlier flashback had been. All he had seen was blood and injuries and the fact that his brother, the light in his life was dying in front of him. He had tried breathing for him on the battle field and then… and then there was more fighting and he was pulled away from Fili and forced to fight for his own life even though he had wanted to die, as well.

He had lost track of his brother in all of the fighting and when the arrows had filled him and the spike had come down into his chest, he had expected to wake up in the halls of his maker. He didn’t know until later that he had laid unconscious and near death for more than two weeks. He wasn’t aware that Fili woke up a few days before him and had demanded that they be moved closer together so he could watch over his brother until he also woke up.

“Oh, Kee.”

Fili was full of sorrow as he really looked at his brother. He hadn’t realized that his brother had flashbacks to the battle and their near deaths. Kili had never said, even though he was positive Oin had had the same talk with both of them. Thorin had warned them of the same thing -- it was something their uncle had too much experience with. He shouldn’t be so surprised, though, when he thought about it. Kili wouldn’t have told anyone what was happening, worried about being seen as being somehow weak. His brother was always worried about not being seen as different in any way more than he already was. He was more slender than any other dwarf and he used a bow instead of the usual weapons that most other dwarves used. After being teased his whole life, Kili would have hated to give anyone more reason to see him as different or weak.

He would rather ache in silence than let on that he was suffering -- even if he had been told that it would be something normal after what he had been through. Their bodies healed a lot faster than their minds would after coming so close to death and seeing so many others die.

And flashbacks and nightmares on top of the feelings he had for him? It must have been tormenting Kili so much -- and his brother had never let any of it slip until today. How strong had his cheerful and loving brother forced himself to be for the past several years because he had been scared of losing the love of his brother? How much had Kili forced himself to endure because of his fears and his pain? How much pain and sorrow was he still fighting to hide as he stood in front of him?

“Kili…”

“It’s okay, Fili,” Kili said softly, lowering his eyes to stare at the floor again. “I promised that I would leave you be and I will. Give me a few minutes to pack and I will be out of your life.”

_Leave? Oh Maker, no. Kili was not going to give this to him and then take it away from him in the same breath._

Fili knew that words were not going to work right now; not when his brother had himself so emotionally worked up and mentally beaten down. The fact that Kili was willing to exile himself in a faraway city of men gave him a very good idea of how twisted everything was in his little brother’s mind. Kili was terrified and on the verge of breaking, so Fili knew he needed to take care of him and take the first step before Kili did something that they would both regret.

He had no doubts that if he didn’t do something right now, Kili would indeed slip out of the mountain and disappear the moment his own back was turned. Kili was of the mistaken belief that he was protecting him and that something that Fili was going to have no part of. He had taken care of Kili from the day he was born and he wasn’t giving up that right any time soon. Kili was _his_ and now that he knew that for sure, he wasn’t letting go of him.

He stepped closer to Kili, making sure that there was little room for Kili to run away, and then pushed him back so that he fell to a sitting position on the bed. He ran his hands through the hair next to Kili’s face, once more thinking about how beautiful his brother was. When Kili opened his eyes in confusion, Fili smiled softly at him before ducking his head and pressing his lips gently against Kili’s.

Kili’s lips were soft and warm beneath his and Fili wondered why he had waited so long to do this. It was like their mouths were made to fit together and when Kili’s lips parted in surprise, Fili wasted no time licking into his mouth. He licked his tongue along the roof of his brother’s mouth and was rewarded by a soft moan from Kili. He could feel Kili start to tremble beneath his hands and then his brother was kissing him back. Their tongues swirled together and Fili felt a moan of his own moving through them. He tightened his hands in Kili’s hair and was rewarded with a soft whine as he mapped the inside of Kili’s mouth with his tongue. He had wanted this for so long and the reality was so much better than what he had imagined.

When the need for air caused them to part, Kili looked up at him, eyes wide and with so many emotions and questions swimming in those expressive brown depths that Fili had always loved.

“F-Fili…”

“I am going to say this once, _nadadeluh_ , and only once, so you need to listen to me very carefully. If you leave me, I will take all of the time I need to in order to track you down and drag you back home where you belong. You are mine and if you were to disappear, you would take half of me away and I cannot live as half a person.” Kili started to speak, but Fili placed his fingers against his lips. “No. You have had your say and now it’s my turn. I am regretful that you have been in such pain and despair for so long. Had I known that my feelings were returned, I would have spoken to you a lot sooner and we would have been spared a lot of confusion and sorrow. If I have been your sun, Kili, you have been my moon. I love you and have loved you as more than my brother for a very long time. It started with me long before my own age of majority, as well, but I was afraid. I was afraid of putting any pressure on your or scaring you. I did not want to tell you of my own feelings and influence your own feelings or choices in any way. I have long suspected that you were my One, but as the years passed and you never came to me, I began to believe that my feelings were not returned by you. I was content to settle and be your brother as long as I knew that you were happy.” He ran the fingers of one hand along Kili’s cheek, brushing them across his lips again. “But now that I know you have been so unhappy and alone, I am no longer content, Kili.”

“You are Thorin’s heir,” Kili whispered sadly. “He will expect you to marry and have sons to carry on our line.”

“Thorin has known for some time that I will never marry, Kili. We dwarves only love once in our lives and he does not expect me to betray my heart in such a way.”

“But--”

“He knows, love, as does Balin. Many in the Company realized it during our journey. My feelings were a secret only to you.” He shook his head. “And you, you who have always been so open with everything, I don’t know how you managed to keep such a heavy secret for so long.”

“I did not want to lose you or the rest of my family. I thought that there was something wrong with me for falling in love with my brother.”

“And it never once occurred to you to seek someone out with more wisdom or experience in these matters?” Fili’s soft laugh was not cruel. “I spoke with Balin years ago when my confusion was tearing me apart and making me question every interaction I had with you. He explained to me that we do not choose our Ones and that Mahal does not make mistakes. You were carved by our creator for me, love. There is nothing wrong or shameful in that. Do you think we are the first brothers in history that have been carved out of the stone for each other? There were sons of Durin himself that were said to have been together. Thorin had suspected from the time we were very young that we would always be bound together.”

“He never said anything.”

“He did not want to influence our choices, Kili. He was trying to make sure we came together naturally and on our own.”

“I was so afraid, Fili,” Kili whispered. “I was afraid that you were going to hate me and I was so sure that I was going to lose everyone and everything. It got so hard to hide how I was feeling, but I was doing so well with it. Then coming here and almost dying… you almost dying…” Kili swallowed hard, closing his eyes against the remembered pain and fear of that day. “I was so scared because I was having more and more trouble keeping myself and my feelings under such tight control. With the nightmares and the images so fresh in my mind at the worst times, I knew that I was going to break and I almost left before now. But I was too weak to leave you so I stayed.”

“And I’m so very glad that you stayed, _nadadith_. If you had left, I would have been very annoyed with you and would have dragged you back home by your hair if I needed to.” Fili leaned closer again and pressed a kiss to Kili’s forehead. “Do not doubt that I would have done that, Kili. I know that you’re still worried and confused, but your place is with me.”

“I didn’t want to leave you, Fee, not really. I just didn’t want to have to face your hatred or your revulsion when you found out that I loved you as more than a proper brother should. I would rather have died that seen you pull away from me.”

Fili sat down on the bed next to his brother and pulled him into his arms, holding him tightly as he placed a kiss on the top of his head. “I wish you had come to me, Kee, but I can understand why you didn’t. If I had known that you were this afraid, I would have told you all of these things much sooner. If I had known that this was why you have been so tense and drifting away from me since we awakened in the healing rooms, I would have explained everything that I had been told.” He sighed softly. “I love you, Kili. I have always loved you and that will never change. You are the other half of my soul and I need you with me.”

Kili leaned more into Fili, feeling a bit of the heavy load that he had been carrying for so long start to lift from him. Part of him was still worried that he was dreaming, but he didn’t want to move away from his brother. “You’re the other half of me, as well, Fili, and I love you. You’re my heart and the reason I breathe.”

“You need to rest, love. I’ve been watching you for the last few days and I can tell that you’re not sleeping as you should.”

“Sleep has offered me no comfort, brother.”

“You will sleep tonight, Kili. I’m not leaving your side and will be here to watch over you and wake you if the nightmares come again.” When Kili started to protest, Fili kissed him again and then pulled back. “Thorin ordered me to stay with you as long as it took to get things worked out between us. He will not allow anyone to come looking for me and take me from your side. Tonight, I am taking care of my One and there is no dwarf in this mountain that will be allowed to interfere with that.” He gave his younger brother a smile that was tinged with something that Kili couldn’t identify. “And when I’ve decided that you have gotten sufficient rest, we will talk about other things.”

“Other things?” Kili was trying to stay awake and pay attention, but the adrenaline from his attempted flight and his fear were wearing off, leaving him feeling weak and drowsy.

“Other things,” Fili repeated and hummed a little as he helped Kili get out of his heavy tunic, pulling him up so that he could pull his pants off. Making sure that Kili was steady on his feet, Fili retrieved a pair of sleep pants from the chest in the closet and helped him into them. “Things that I have long wanted to do to you and with you.”

Once Fili had Kili laid out on the bed, he quickly shed his outer clothes, slipping into a purloined pair of his brother’s sleep pants. He got into the bed next to him, covering them with a blanket before pulling Kili into his arms to hold him. Kili made a soft sigh of relief and lay his head on Fili’s chest. They fell into an easy silence with each other and Kili was almost asleep when Fili spoke again.

“You weren’t going to Bree or any other town of men, were you?” The tone of his voice told his brother that it was more of a statement than a real question.

Kili was feeling too tired and just too fragile to even attempt to come up with a way to distract Fili from this question.

“No, I wasn’t,” he finally sighed.

“Where were you going?”

“You really don’t want the answer to that question, Fili.”

“Kili…”

Kili sighed again but answered him. “Mirkwood.”

“Why?” Fili thought he had a pretty good idea, just from the state he had found his brother in, but he needed for him to say it.

“Because it seemed a good way that I could end things without further staining my honour.”

Fili tensed for a moment and then tightened his arms around Kili. “I did not know how much you despaired, but I am very glad that I followed you from the training yard.” He kissed the top of Kili’s head again, thankful that he had gotten to him before his wild brother could put his plan into motion. “Sleep, Kee. I promise that I will be here when you wake up and everything will be all right with us.”

“I… I love you, Fili.”

“I love you, Kili. Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> Khuzdul used:
> 
> **nadadeluh** – My brother-of-brothers  
>  **nadadith** \- brother who is young


End file.
